Confidence: Why It Isn't Real (And How You Build Confidence Anyway) [VIDEO]

"You're very brave"

A client said this to me recently as I recounted the time I jumped out of a plane. And I laughed to myself.

I laughed because if he'd have known me a few years ago at the height of my anxiety-masking, well-rehearsed reasoning for why I couldn't do various things, that's the last thing he'd have described me as.

But what's more important is he was wrong. And I say that not to be humble. But because it's fundamentally wrong:

There's no such thing as a brave person.

When we label a person as brave, we define them as something static and absolute. It's a statement about their identity. Their character. Their essence and is-ness. And in that sense, the braveness is a quality that's unchangeable.

"But being brave is positive, right?"

The problem is, when we buy into the brave label, we're buying into the ideology that underpins it. Because, if a person is brave, how can they be scared?

Now, of course, they can be scared. Everyone can. But if they believe they're a brave person, then to be scared isn't just an emotional state - it's a threat to who they are. And those threats are terrifying. Because it feels like losing ourselves.

It can feel like a kind of death.

"But it’s still better to be a brave person than not…"

Ok. But the other side of the coin is this: if we buy into the idea of a brave person, then we also buy into the idea of a not-brave person. Or more accurately: being a coward.

Much like a brave person can't be scared, a coward can't be confident. Either they won't believe their confidence, or they explain away any bravery as an exception. ("Well, I was only able to do that because…")

And this can make change seem impossible.

If we believe we're not-brave, and we see someone who is brave, it poses a big challenge. We have to change who we are to do what they do. And that's a pretty big ask.

"So if it's not about being a brave person, what is the answer?"

I've created a video about this, debunking some confidence myths, explaining how building confidence actually works, and how we make the journey of (what looks like) not-brave to brave.

The video includes:

• Why confidence doesn't exist (but it looks like it does)

• The learning model at the heart of moving from a not-confident to confident position

• Why there's no 'magic pill' for gaining confidence

• The key understanding that helps you build true confidence

• What can get in the way of growing your confidence

Watch the video here:

(Struggling with fear, anxiety, or lack of confidence? Cognitive Hypnotherapy in Leighton Buzzard can help you. Get in touch to learn how)